Sri Chinmoy Puffs

It’s a grim fact of life that we must all learn to deal with at some point or another—Sri Chinmoy isn’t always going to be there to destroy the robots when you need him. And the sooner you learn to accept that, the sooner you’ll start stuffing your gullet with handfuls of Sri Chinmoy Puffs!

Overflowing with salty Hindu goodness, Sri Chinmoy Puffs will finally give you the spiritual power to crush robots and melt them with your mind! Sure, you could just lie around like a helpless sack of fat waiting for Sri Chinmoy to swoop down from his mystical jet-powered kite and save the day, but wouldn’t you rather just eat a fucking bowl of cereal and lay waste to the evil marching hoards of robots by yourself?

Wrinkle-Free Horse Pants

These incredible, revolutionary, wrinkle-free Horse Pants allow your horse to graze and shit in style! Now he can finally have a small slice of the American Dream!

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Executive Decision Maker

Do you run a Fortune 500 company? Are you tired of making vital decisions every single day? Let David Lee Roth help you out…the only way he knows how.

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Disabled Canine Mobility Assistant

Sick of that old dog sitting in the corner gathering dust? Now you can finally turn your useless, two legged mut into a useless, two-legged mut with a wheel attached to him!

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Singing Christopher Walken Head

Gently frighten your children to sleep and put an end to their constant whining and bitching forever with the shrill, unholy singing of the disembodied Christopher Walken Head!

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Miniature Shit-Spewing Horse

This tiny lie-detecting, shit-spewing horse sits on your girlfriend’s scalp and monitors her brainwaves. When it detects a lie, it douses her face with molten streams of shit!

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No-Stick Glue

No-Stick Glue just doesn’t give a shit. It takes a shot of Wild Turkey and wags its dick in the face of the “laws of reason” that hold the entire universe together!

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Sri Chinmoy Puffs

At long last, science steps up to the plate and delivers a healthy breakfast cereal that will give you the extra spiritual strength you need to defeat those evil sonofabitch robots!

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Commie-Zapper 3000

They’re everywhere, and they’re coming for you! Protect yourself and your family by baiting those evil commie bastards with their all-time favorite meal…fresh baby!

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The D.U.F.U.S

If you’ve still got those one or two friends who keep hanging in there with you no matter what…now’s your chance to finally scare them away for good!

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