Decorative Upright Female Urination System

Ladies, are you sick and tired of your dignity? Are you fed up with having to carry around that last ounce of self-respect? Are there still a few people in the office who look at you without wincing in disgust? Would you rather live in the park and eat pigeons all day? Do you want to watch your pee drizzle out of a funnel and into a decorative bucket? Do you want to pay somebody $59.95 for the privilege? Well, I guess fate has smiled upon you for one last time, because I’ve got exactly what you need!

That’s right! Now you can finally stumble around town with a piss-filled container sloshing around between your legs, just like you’ve always dreamed! Children will scream, old women will faint, and squirrels will spontaneously combust as you wave your arms in the air and growl like a cornered puma. Somebody will probably tackle you eventually and maybe even put you out of your misery, but at least you’ll die knowing that you gave Courtney Love a run for her money.

Wrinkle-Free Horse Pants

These incredible, revolutionary, wrinkle-free Horse Pants allow your horse to graze and shit in style! Now he can finally have a small slice of the American Dream!

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Executive Decision Maker

Do you run a Fortune 500 company? Are you tired of making vital decisions every single day? Let David Lee Roth help you out…the only way he knows how.

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Disabled Canine Mobility Assistant

Sick of that old dog sitting in the corner gathering dust? Now you can finally turn your useless, two legged mut into a useless, two-legged mut with a wheel attached to him!

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Singing Christopher Walken Head

Gently frighten your children to sleep and put an end to their constant whining and bitching forever with the shrill, unholy singing of the disembodied Christopher Walken Head!

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Miniature Shit-Spewing Horse

This tiny lie-detecting, shit-spewing horse sits on your girlfriend’s scalp and monitors her brainwaves. When it detects a lie, it douses her face with molten streams of shit!

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No-Stick Glue

No-Stick Glue just doesn’t give a shit. It takes a shot of Wild Turkey and wags its dick in the face of the “laws of reason” that hold the entire universe together!

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Sri Chinmoy Puffs

At long last, science steps up to the plate and delivers a healthy breakfast cereal that will give you the extra spiritual strength you need to defeat those evil sonofabitch robots!

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Commie-Zapper 3000

They’re everywhere, and they’re coming for you! Protect yourself and your family by baiting those evil commie bastards with their all-time favorite meal…fresh baby!

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The D.U.F.U.S

If you’ve still got those one or two friends who keep hanging in there with you no matter what…now’s your chance to finally scare them away for good!

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