Executive Decision Maker

Should you layoff another 20,000 employees? Do you deserve a bigger raise? Is it time to buy another yacht? As a powerful corporate executive, you’re faced with a mountain of tough decisions everyday. Some of them are so difficult, it can take you well over 2 minutes to come up with an answer. In this fast-paced, cut-throat, dog-eat-dog world…that’s just unacceptable. Time is money! You know that better than anyone.

Don’t you wish there was a way to ease your heavy burden? Isn’t it time somebody catered to your needs for a change? Commoners have no idea how rough and tumble an executive’s life can be. According to some numbers I made up, mild-discomfort levels among the nation’s top CEOs are skyrocketing and euphoric-happiness levels are plummeting! It’s time to escape, and Diamond Dave is the only man who can free you from your decision-making prison.

It’s simple. Just fill up two buckets with pure Columbian cocaine and set them at the end of your desk. Mark one of them YES, and the other one NO. Press the big red button and watch David Lee Roth come charging out of his cage. Whichever bucket he stuffs his head in first…that’s your answer!

You’ll never have to trouble your delicate mind with another tough decision ever again. Just make sure you don’t run out of coke, or Dave will tear your black heart straight out of your fucking chest.

Wrinkle-Free Horse Pants

These incredible, revolutionary, wrinkle-free Horse Pants allow your horse to graze and shit in style! Now he can finally have a small slice of the American Dream!

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Executive Decision Maker

Do you run a Fortune 500 company? Are you tired of making vital decisions every single day? Let David Lee Roth help you out…the only way he knows how.

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Disabled Canine Mobility Assistant

Sick of that old dog sitting in the corner gathering dust? Now you can finally turn your useless, two legged mut into a useless, two-legged mut with a wheel attached to him!

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Singing Christopher Walken Head

Gently frighten your children to sleep and put an end to their constant whining and bitching forever with the shrill, unholy singing of the disembodied Christopher Walken Head!

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Miniature Shit-Spewing Horse

This tiny lie-detecting, shit-spewing horse sits on your girlfriend’s scalp and monitors her brainwaves. When it detects a lie, it douses her face with molten streams of shit!

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No-Stick Glue

No-Stick Glue just doesn’t give a shit. It takes a shot of Wild Turkey and wags its dick in the face of the “laws of reason” that hold the entire universe together!

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Sri Chinmoy Puffs

At long last, science steps up to the plate and delivers a healthy breakfast cereal that will give you the extra spiritual strength you need to defeat those evil sonofabitch robots!

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Commie-Zapper 3000

They’re everywhere, and they’re coming for you! Protect yourself and your family by baiting those evil commie bastards with their all-time favorite meal…fresh baby!

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The D.U.F.U.S

If you’ve still got those one or two friends who keep hanging in there with you no matter what…now’s your chance to finally scare them away for good!

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