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NONSENSE

Wrinkle-Free Horse Pants

Since the dawn of time, horses have roamed the face of the earth in search of one thing, and one thing only—pants. Well now their search has finally come to an end. I'm proud to introduce the first and only 4-legged pant, specially stitched to meet the needs and tastes of the modern equine.

Available in several different styles and colors, these revolutionary wrinkle-free Horse Pants allow your horse to look their very best for that special night on the town, or when they’re just grazing and shitting all over themselves. Isn’t it about time your horse had a small slice of the American Dream? If you don’t let your horse wear pants, then you obviously hate your horse. You don’t hate your horse, do you?

Executive Decision Maker

Should you layoff another 20,000 employees? Do you deserve a bigger raise? Is it time to buy another yacht? As a powerful corporate executive, you’re faced with a mountain of tough decisions everyday. Some of them are so difficult, it can take you well over 2 minutes to come up with an answer. In this fast-paced, cut-throat, dog-eat-dog world…that’s just unacceptable. Time is money! You know that better than anyone.

Don’t you wish there was a way to ease your heavy burden? Isn’t it time somebody catered to your needs for a change? Commoners have no idea how rough and tumble an executive’s life can be. According to some numbers I made up, mild-discomfort levels among the nation’s top CEOs are skyrocketing and euphoric-happiness levels are plummeting! It’s time to escape, and Diamond Dave is the only man who can free you from your decision-making prison.

It’s simple. Just fill up two buckets with pure Columbian cocaine and set them at the end of your desk. Mark one of them YES, and the other one NO. Press the big red button and watch David Lee Roth come charging out of his cage. Whichever bucket he stuffs his head in first…that’s your answer!

You’ll never have to trouble your delicate mind with another tough decision ever again. Just make sure you don’t run out of coke, or Dave will tear your black heart straight out of your fucking chest.

Disabled Canine Mobility Assistant

Are you sick and tired of that useless two-legged dog just sitting around the house collecting dust? Are your kids growing restless for a new pet? Are your trash cans all filled up? Well, don’t worry, because now you can restore your once-beloved pooch to his former, mobile glory with this amazing new adjustable wheel-on-a-belt thing!

Sure, he won’t be able to control the direction he’s going in, but his senseless wandering will provide countless hours of welcome distraction for you and your family while you cope with the never-ending nightmare that your life has become. Did I mention that it folds for easy storage? Does that make you feel any better, you awful dreg?

Singing Christopher Walken Head

Fuckin' kids. Always waking you up in the middle of the night with their horrible shrieking and crying. Don’t you wish there was an easy, effective way to keep your kids silent while you get a good night’s rest? Well my friend, you’ve come to the right place. The Singing Christopher Walken Head will not only keep your children quiet, it’ll actually leave them paralyzed with fright, unable to even open their mouths to cry for help…or your money back!

How does it work? Every note of such classic songs as “Row, Row, Row Your Boat” and “Mary Had a Little Lamb” will send a cringe of terror up your child’s spinal column, causing their brains to overload on panic until they eventually pass out from exhaustion.

Miniature Shit-Spewing Horse

How many times has your girlfriend told you something that you later found out was a lie? Wouldn’t it be great if you could tell when she was lying while she was actually doing it? Well now you can! With this amazing new invention, her face will be completely smothered with giant clumps of real equine shit every time she’s blurts out another one of her insidious lies. All thanks to a tiny little horse that rests atop her head.

How does it work? The specially-bred miniature horse sits comfortably on your girlfriend’s scalp and monitors her brainwaves. Anytime a false statement leaves her mouth, electrical signals travel to the horse’s brain and command it to release its bowels…all over her face! Let’s see her lie her way out of that!

No-Stick Glue

Finally, a product that isn’t afraid to look sanity straight in the eye and say “Hey, you know what? Fuck off!” You’ve waited your entire miserable life for a product like this. One that has the balls to turn its back on the very laws of reason that keep this universe from exploding into a million goddamn pieces. And now, the wait is over!

That’s right my friend, after all these years, the evolutionary paths of glue and uselessness have finally crashed together head-on in a violent tornado of absurdity. The end result—a non-adhesive glue that not only defies all logic, but will actually force you to question everything you hold sacred and possibly even make you doubt your own existence.

Isn’t it about time that you learned the truth? It is useless to resist. Your future lies with No-Stick Glue!

Sri Chinmoy Puffs

It’s a grim fact of life that we must all learn to deal with at some point or another—Sri Chinmoy isn’t always going to be there to destroy the robots when you need him. And the sooner you learn to accept that, the sooner you’ll start stuffing your gullet with handfuls of Sri Chinmoy Puffs!

Overflowing with salty Hindu goodness, Sri Chinmoy Puffs will finally give you the spiritual power to crush robots and melt them with your mind! Sure, you could just lie around like a helpless sack of fat waiting for Sri Chinmoy to swoop down from his mystical jet-powered kite and save the day, but wouldn’t you rather just eat a fucking bowl of cereal and lay waste to the evil marching hoards of robots by yourself?

Commie-Zapper 3000

We all know the scene: you’re sitting in your backyard, enjoying a nice little family get together, and those damn Communists have to barge in and ruin it for everybody. Well now you can put an end to their terror with the Commie-Zapper 3000! This amazing new invention takes advantage of the Commie’s insatiable baby-eating urges and uses it to send them back to the fiery pits of Hell from which they came!

How does it work? The innocent-looking baby resting in the metal housing seems like a convenient, appetizing meal to the average Pinko at first glance. But once he realizes that it’s actually a 80,000-volt dummy, his charred corpse will already be sent flying into your neighbor’s backyard.

Decorative Upright Female Urination System

Ladies, are you sick and tired of your dignity? Are you fed up with having to carry around that last ounce of self-respect? Are there still a few people in the office who look at you without wincing in disgust? Would you rather live in the park and eat pigeons all day? Do you want to watch your pee drizzle out of a funnel and into a decorative bucket? Do you want to pay somebody $59.95 for the privilege? Well, I guess fate has smiled upon you for one last time, because I’ve got exactly what you need!

That’s right! Now you can finally stumble around town with a piss-filled container sloshing around between your legs, just like you’ve always dreamed! Children will scream, old women will faint, and squirrels will spontaneously combust as you wave your arms in the air and growl like a cornered puma. Somebody will probably tackle you eventually and maybe even put you out of your misery, but at least you’ll die knowing that you gave Courtney Love a run for her money.

More Inventions

Wrinkle-Free Horse Pants

These incredible, revolutionary, wrinkle-free Horse Pants allow your horse to graze and shit in style! Now he can finally have a small slice of the American Dream!

Get more information…

Executive Decision Maker

Do you run a Fortune 500 company? Are you tired of making vital decisions every single day? Let David Lee Roth help you out…the only way he knows how.

Get more information…

Disabled Canine Mobility Assistant

Sick of that old dog sitting in the corner gathering dust? Now you can finally turn your useless, two legged mut into a useless, two-legged mut with a wheel attached to him!

Get more information…

Singing Christopher Walken Head

Gently frighten your children to sleep and put an end to their constant whining and bitching forever with the shrill, unholy singing of the disembodied Christopher Walken Head!

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Miniature Shit-Spewing Horse

This tiny lie-detecting, shit-spewing horse sits on your girlfriend’s scalp and monitors her brainwaves. When it detects a lie, it douses her face with molten streams of shit!

Get more information…

No-Stick Glue

No-Stick Glue just doesn’t give a shit. It takes a shot of Wild Turkey and wags its dick in the face of the “laws of reason” that hold the entire universe together!

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Sri Chinmoy Puffs

At long last, science steps up to the plate and delivers a healthy breakfast cereal that will give you the extra spiritual strength you need to defeat those evil sonofabitch robots!

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Commie-Zapper 3000

They’re everywhere, and they’re coming for you! Protect yourself and your family by baiting those evil commie bastards with their all-time favorite meal…fresh baby!

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The D.U.F.U.S

If you’ve still got those one or two friends who keep hanging in there with you no matter what…now’s your chance to finally scare them away for good!

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