An Instructional Guide to Abstinence

1. Get a bicycle.
No Fucking! If it’s true that a man’s worth can be measured by his automobile, then what does it say about a man who doesn’t even have one? That’s right, nothing says “I don’t even have the means to take you out on a date which may/or may not culminate in sexual intercouse” quite like a nice shiny yellow bicycle. You can pretty much bet dollars to donuts, that you’ll be able to ride freely down the street without any hot girls giving you a second glance (or even a first one, for that matter).

2. Adopt a Canadian accent.
Often considered the most emasculated of all dialects, the Canadian accent is what leading scientists have determined to be the exact opposite of the ever-so-sexy Latin accent, the one that makes all the ladies instantly swoon like Bill Cosby in a sweater factory. You’ll have no part of that. Not today. You’ll be too busy “ehh-ing” and “aboot-ing” all the way to the bank. The bank of Lonely Masturbating that is!

3. Hang out with old people.
You’ve seen them before. Those things sitting on the benches in the mall. You know why they’re there? Because they’re not having sex! These are your new best friends. Not only will your celebacy remain intact, but you will also gain valuable insight into the lost arts of “knitting” and “keeping the same box of ice cream in your freezer for 30 years.” Research will be key here, for they will often bandy about forgotten words like “phonograph” and “catarrh” and something called “respect”. You’ll need to have a keen grasp of their language in order to fully immerse yourself in their culture.

4. Get really good at Scrabble.
Careful, though. You don’t want to get so good that you end up getting invited to some Scrabble Tournament where you might meet a lonely, unattractive girl who lives for Scrabble and will desperately want to sleep with you because…well, no one else would.

5. Stop playing the bass.
Although scientists are still unable to identify the source of its power, it has long been known that the bass guitar, above all instruments, acts as some kind of bizarre, unstoppable fellatio-magnet. If you ripped Don Knotts’ dead, rotting corpse out of the ground and shoved a bass guitar into his cold lifeless hands, chicks would be all over him like ugly on your grandmother.

6. Grow a beard.
Unless you’re Sean-fucking-Connery, this will work wonders.

7. Move back in with your parents.
This is probably one of the most important steps. If you’re still living on your own, you might accidently trick a girl into thinking that you are somewhat successful and responsible and she then might want to sleep with you so you’ll buy her shit. It’s important to shatter that illusion entirely.

8. Name your Corn Flakes.
Shit, don’t stop there. Go ahead and make little leashes for them out of dental floss and take them for walks on Saturday nights. You’ve got time.

9. Become a nice caring person.
Nothing screams “Don’t sleep with me!” like the guy who listens to what girls have to say, and cares about how they’re feeling. It isn’t enough to simply “not ride a motorcycle” and “not act like a total asshole” and “not sleep with her sister when she’s pregnant with your baby”. You need to go that extra mile. You need to compliment her occasionally, give her hugs when she’s feeling down, pay attention to her mindless yacking about god-only-knows-what, and geniunely respect her as a person and not just as a place to stick your thing in when you’re bored. She will lose all interest in you immediately.

10. Get a job as a janitor.
Ever heard a girl say “Holy shit! I’m going to rip that janitor’s clothes off and screw him silly!”? No. You haven’t. Use it to your advantage.

11. For christ’s sake, don’t write a song/poem about her.
What are you, an idiot?

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