NONSENSE

How To Fashion The Greatest Cane Ever

Step 1: Hire a young, simple-minded assistant and name him Horatio. Don’t tell him why, just keep calling him Horatio and slap him everytime he attempts to correct you. Eventually he will submit.

Step 2: After a hearty breakfast, inform Horatio that it is time for him to venture into town and gather supplies. Provide him with a list of everything you’ll need (table saw, sandpaper, golden axe, paper towels, etc.) and make sure that you specify alternative choices for certain items that may be unavailabe.

Step 3: Journey deep into the forest in search of the mighty tree that will soon become your cane. Weilding your golden axe, stand strong before the tree and let it know that your soul is cleansed of fear…then hand the axe to Horatio so that he may commence the chopping.

Step 4: Watch from a distance as Horatio bravely attacks the base of tree with all the fury of a thousand rabid badgers. At the top of your lungs, shout “Chop, damn you!! CHOP!!! Unleash the unholy fires of Hell on that dreadful beast of wood and leaves!!” Whipping may be necessary if the chopping does not meet your grossly-exaggerated definition of the word “frenzied.” Also remember to bundle up if it gets too chilly outside.

Step 5: Once the tree is slain, choose a sturdy splinter of wood from the rubble and thrust it high into the air. Proclaim that this shred of tree meat shall soon be fashioned into the greatest cane the world will ever know. Then toss it in the back of your Land Rover and rush home before you miss The Simpsons.

Step 6: After a good bit of resting up, it’s time for you to get to work. Measure the appropriate lengths and widths of the cane and cut accordingly. Now make Horatio whittle that sonofabitch until it is smooth and straight. “Whittle, like the wind!!!”

Step 7: Admire the straight lines and elegant smoothness of your cane. Get up real close and stare at it with one eye closed. Surely no other cane has been so smooth and straight. Dare Horatio to find one single flaw in its design. Once he concedes that there is no other cane that is as perfect as yours, tell him that he has but only one obligation left to fulfill. “Horatio,” you will say, “remove my hands. Yes, take thy golden axe and remove my hands so that no other cane shall ever be fashioned that can challenge the perfection of this one that sits before me.”

Step 8: Quickly wrap your stubs with paper towels and apply pressure to stop the bleeding. Lie down with your legs elevated above your head and moan ominously, as if you might slip away at any moment. With short, careful words, instruct Horatio to build some kind of large wooden catapult device so that your expired remains may be launched into the Indian Ocean. If he gives you any shit about it, just moan louder and reach for things that aren’t there.

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