NONSENSE

How To Tell If Your Best Friend Is Tony Danza

1. He bursts into the kitchen and yells “Aayyy Angela!” and then proceeds to tell you all about how he can’t get a job and nobody likes him.

2. When walking down a busy street, nobody asks for his autograph. Instead they just look around wondering where that awful smell is coming from.

3. His severe speech-impediment prevents him from being able to order food at the drive-thru, so you have to lean over and do it for him.

4. The very second you step inside a Wal-Mart, he squeals like a six-year-old girl and runs off to go look at the new Barbie dolls.

5. At dinner parties, he entertains guests with his remarkably awful Ralph Macchio impression. Which actually just sounds like his regular voice, only slightly higher-pitched.

6. One afternoon, he tells you about his teenage daughter and how she wants to dress nice and go out on dates with boys. “She’s outta control,” he insists. To which you reply, “You don’t have a daughter Tony. That was just a movie. A terrible, terrible movie.”

7. When asked to recite the alphabet, he simply says “Ay ohh ay.” Then he sticks his tongue out, expecting a treat.

8. He insists on wearing an astronaut suit every time he checks the mail.

9. When ordering a pizza, he turns to you and asks “Hey Angela, is it alright if I get birds on half of it?”

10. Every Thursday he plays softball at the YMCA. Every Friday, he plays “Who wants to see the inside of a van?” at the playground.

11. On more than one occasion, you’ve walked into his room and caught him humping his pillow, with a frozen chicken foot jutting precariously out of his ass.

12. He gets a call one day from his agent, who’s got a role lined-up for him playing a bafoonish Italian guy named ‘Tony’ who drives a van and eats birds.

13. He doesn’t get the part.

14. He gets pulled over by a cop for failing to make a complete stop at a red light, and for having the skinned torso of a dead monkey tied to his rear bumper.

15. When you ask him why he thought it might be a good idea to take a dump in your refrigerator, he puffs up his chest and says “Waitta minute. Who’s da boss here?” And then after a brief moment of silence, he giggles and says “Get it? Like that show I was in. Oh man, I crack myself up sometimes.”

16. His answering machine message is just him explaining that he can’t come to the phone because he doesn’t know where it is, or what it looks like, or how to use it, or why he even has one.

17. You go over to his house unannounced and find him stretched out on the bathroom floor with his arms and legs akimbo, weeping uncontrollably into a half-eaten cupcake, while the shrill sounds of a broken Barry Manilow record lurch through the smoke-filled air. Upon closer inspection, you notice he’s holding a bottle of horse tranquilizers in his left hand, and a copy of his resumé in the other. You decide to come back later.

18. The next morning, he wakes up and decides to write a book about his horrible, unnecessary life, but instead he trips on a pile of hate mail and impales himself on a stack of unsold “Best of Tony Danza” videos.

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