How To Survive The Grocery Store

Step 1: First things first, before you even leave the house, remember to coat your shoes with a thick layer of mustard and fill your pockets with hard candy. The mustard will show them that you mean business, and the candy will come in handy if you are forced to bargain your way out of a probing.

Step 2: As you approach the entrance, don’t be fooled by the automatic sliding doors. This is a trap. Always enter through the roof. I feel stupid even mentioning this, as it should be obvious to everyone already.

Step 3: Alright, now that you’ve successfully breached the compound, it’s time to scope out your surroundings. Immediately check for trip wires and mini-gun turrets. These will most likely be located between the aisles, conveniently disguised as boxes of Pop Tarts or Massengill. Also, make sure you don’t stand in the same place for more than 22 seconds, the floor is pressure-sensitive. Snipers, of course, are positioned at the northeast section of the store near the paper towels. Avoid this area at all costs.

Step 4: Choose your items quickly and quietly, and always maintain a purposeful gait. Store clerks are specially trained to sense fear and indecision up to 15 yards away. Keep your distance at all times. If one of them happens to ask you if you need any help…well, then you’re pretty much screwed. If you try to run, they will unleash the bengal tigers. And although there are very specific rules of etiquette governing bengal fighting, grocery store bengals are not known to follow them. Your best option is to just open up your bowels right then and there. As my uncle always said, it’s better to die a coward than to be turned into bengal shit.

Step 5: Supposing you made it through all that without a scratch, now it’s time to face the final test—the checkout. Remember to always pick the longest line possible. The short lines are only there to weed out the weak and the stupid. Sure, it may seem convenient at first glance, until you notice that all the paper and plastic bags are coated with an extremely deadly nerve toxin that dissolves the spinal chord within 20 minutes. Stick with the longer lines, and avoid all conversation with other customers around you, for all you know they could be working for Them.

When it’s your turn to checkout, place all your items in reverse alphabetical order, and avoid making direct eye contact with the cashier, she will sense your terror instantly. If she asks you if you have any coupons, say “not really,” she’ll know exactly what you mean. Remember to always pay in cash, never pay with a check (it’s a dead giveaway). If you even attempt to do this, they will seize you from behind and take you away to be probed. Hopefully, you remembered the candy, but if you didn’t you could always try beating them to death with your pants.

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