Ike Turner's Guide To Restoring America's Honor

Okay, America, you done fucked up again. Things got a little out of hand, and you blew up another country. Now you got everybody mad at you, and you don’t know what to do. Well, don’t worry, America. Ike’s been down this road before, and I know exactly how to handle it. It sure as shit ain’t gonna be easy, and I guarantee you it ain’t gonna be fun. But you better listen to what I’m tellin’ you, America. Ike knows what he’s talkin’ about, and Ike’s willing to help you out as long you do exactly what Ike says and stop being so stubborn. You dig?

Step 1: Okay, first things first, America. Stop smackin’ the bitch. I know sometimes you get caught up in the heat of the moment, and you don’t know when you’ve gone too far. Sometimes you just get so mad sometimes. I know you tried to warn Iraq. You told Iraq to stop provokin’ you. But Iraq wouldn’t listen. Iraq was being stubborn and ignorant, and you had to teach Iraq a lesson. Now Iraq’s all beaten and bruised and bleedin’ everywhere, fuckin’ up the good carpet. It’s time to chill the fuck out, America. You don’t wanna kill Iraq. You just wanna show Iraq how much you love it. It’s just sometimes you go a little crazy is all.

Step 2: Give Iraq a kleenex and tell it to clean itself up. Tell Iraq to hurry, you ain’t got all day.

Step 3: Now comes the hard part, America. You’ve got to apologize to Iraq. Even if you don’t really mean it, you’ve got to swallow your pride and say the words “I’m sorry, baby.” Tell Iraq that sometimes America just gets so mad sometimes, and things get out of hand. America doesn’t mean to hurt Iraq. America just wants to teach Iraq a lesson, because America loves Iraq so much, baby. America knows what’s best for Iraq, and if Iraq would just listen and stop being so stubborn, they could be the best country in the world.

Step 4: Surprise Iraq with a little present. How about…the gift of democracy! Get all your friends together and make a big celebration out of it. Offer Iraq a little tiny slice of democracy for the cameras. Wait a minute, what’s that? Iraq doesn’t want your democracy? Tell Iraq it better take a bite of democracy, dammit. C’mon, Iraq, don’t disappoint America in front of all these people. C’mon, have some democracy, you low-down dirty ho!

If Iraq tells you to leave it alone, just raise your fist and tell it to stop being all uppity. If Iraq still fights back, well, you’re gonna have to teach Iraq a lesson.

Step 5: Okay, you did it again. Now you done put Iraq in the hospital. Maybe it’s time to do some soul-searching and find out if maybe the problem isn’t with you. Promise Iraq that you’re gonna try and get some help with your oil-addiction and you’ll be a better country from now on. Oil makes you do some crazy things sometimes. Things that you tend to regret later. You’re gonna have to cut that shit out for good. Dig?

Step 6: Hey, I never said you had to quit cold turkey. Guzzle that shit down and drive over to Iraq’s house and start busting up the joint, for old time’s sake.

Step 7: Okay, by now Iraq’s probably threatenin’ to kill your ass if you don’t leave it alone. I know it’s tough, but at some point you’re gonna have to learn how to let go. It’s gonna bruise the shit out of your ego, and other countries are probably gonna look down on you for the next few decades, but it has to be done. It will allow Iraq to blossom into it’s own beautiful country, and it’ll give you a chance to focus on improving yourself for a change. You used to be really great, remember? Think of all the amazing things you’ve done in the past. You went a little nuts there for a few years, but it’s never too late to get back on track. Eventually, the world will learn to respect you again, and they’ll follow your example and learn from your mistakes.

And if it makes you feel any better, one day Iraq will probably star in a really shitty Mel Gibson movie.

Peace,
Ike

How To Fashion The Greatest Cane

You’ve seen some pretty good canes in your day, but there can only be one “Greatest Cane That The World Will Ever Know!” Here’s how to make it.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

Is Your Best Friend Tony Danza?

You’ve noticed that your best friend smells really bad, has a severe speech impediment, plays with dolls, and molests squirrels…but is it really him? There’s only one way to find out.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

An Instructional Guide To Abstinence

Whether you’ve sworn an oath, or you can’t get laid, or you’re secretly gay, maintaining your celibate state can be very hard these days. Here’s some tips to help you along the way.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

How To Kill A Bear With Your Feet

That grizzly has you in his sights, and the only weapons you have at your disposal…are your feet. If you think you have what it takes, I’ll show you how to do it.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

Stuff I Wanna See On TV

52 million channels and not a goddamn thing to watch! I’ve had it up to here with this shit! (I’m holding my hand right under my chin, but you can’t see that, so I thought I’d let you know)

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

How To Restore America’s Honor

Ike Turner knows a thing or two about making ammends for years of abuse and disgrace, and he’s here to share his wisdom. America, please listen to him.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

How To Survive The Grocery Store

I know it may seem virtually impossible. But trust me. With this helpful instructional guide, you’ll be able to make it out of there alive and in one or two pieces.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…