How To Kill A Bear With Your Feet

Step 1: For Christ’s sake, don’t use your fucking feet! What’s wrong with you? Are you simple or something? Grab a gun, or a knife, or a rock and kill that bear right now! Kill him!! Kill him now! Kill him before he kills you!

Step 2: Okay, now you’ve just pissed him off. You should have brought a stick of dynamite coated with honey, because there’s no way you’re gonna stop him now. Your only chance is to run. Don’t stop to put your shoes back on, that bear’s right on your tail. If you trip, he’ll gobble you whole.

Step 3: Remember the good times. Your first kiss…that one time your dad accidentally said he was proud of you…all those days when you weren’t being eaten alive by a grizzly bear. You don’t have much time left, so you better cherish those fleeting moments of happiness before the bear rips your throat out. Cherish, you bastard!

Step 4: What the hell is this bear waiting for? Hurry up, asshole! You’re about to bleed to death and this bear’s just—wait a minute…what’s that poking out of his—OH GOD! You’re about to raped by a fucking grizzly bear! Sweet Jesus, this sonofabitch really knows how to rub it in.

Step 5: Curl up into the fetal position and wait for death’s sweet, merciful embrace. Beat your head against the ground to try and erase the last 30 minutes of brutal bear humping from your shattered mind. If that doesn’t work, just try swallowing large clumps of dirt.

Step 6: The world around you begins to shrink. All you can see now is a tiny little dot. Darkness envelops you as you drift into eternity. Wait! Something’s pulling you back. You struggle, but it won’t let go. All of a sudden, the world races back into view, and all you can see is BEAR!! A big huge giant bear face. He’s giving you CPR!! He’s getting ready for round 2! Why won’t he let you die!

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