Stuff I Wanna See On TV

1. A show where monkeys run around screaming and vomitting all over the place, with the Benny Hill music playing in the background.

2. A reality show set in a female correctional institute with 600 inmates and 5 pairs of pants. Every week, one of the pants will be voted off the show.

3. A made-for-tv movie about a cop who goes back in time for some reason. Burt Reynolds will star in the lead role and his partner will be played by a donkey dressed like Dom DeLouise.

4. A game show where people are smacked in the head with fish while little midgets try to crawl up their leg and set their pubic hair on fire. Oh, and they have to answer questions and stuff.

5. A 5-hour documentary about the guy who invented the first colostomy bag.

6. A local TV weatherman who completely loses his shit every time the dew point drops below 31°, and then storms about the set like a madman waiving his arms gnashing his teeth.

7. A show starring Tony Danza about a guy named Tony who has a speech impediment and a crippling obsession with dolls. He also has a tendency to fall off the top of buildings. We’ll call it “The Tony Danza Show.”

8. A subliminal message placed randomly in various commercials that commands Russian people to stop eating babies and go take a shower.

More Writings

How To Fashion The Greatest Cane

You’ve seen some pretty good canes in your day, but there can only be one “Greatest Cane That The World Will Ever Know!” Here’s how to make it.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

Is Your Best Friend Tony Danza?

You’ve noticed that your best friend smells really bad, has a severe speech impediment, plays with dolls, and molests squirrels…but is it really him? There’s only one way to find out.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

An Instructional Guide To Abstinence

Whether you’ve sworn an oath, or you can’t get laid, or you’re secretly gay, maintaining your celibate state can be very hard these days. Here’s some tips to help you along the way.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

How To Kill A Bear With Your Feet

That grizzly has you in his sights, and the only weapons you have at your disposal…are your feet. If you think you have what it takes, I’ll show you how to do it.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

Stuff I Wanna See On TV

52 million channels and not a goddamn thing to watch! I’ve had it up to here with this shit! (I’m holding my hand right under my chin, but you can’t see that, so I thought I’d let you know)

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

How To Restore America’s Honor

Ike Turner knows a thing or two about making ammends for years of abuse and disgrace, and he’s here to share his wisdom. America, please listen to him.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…

How To Survive The Grocery Store

I know it may seem virtually impossible. But trust me. With this helpful instructional guide, you’ll be able to make it out of there alive and in one or two pieces.

Go ahead. Read it. No one’s watching…